Tired of being nice!

Subject: Tired of being nice! Tue Jan 22, 2008 10:22 am

I am not particularly nice inside, although I obviously manage to give off vibes of being sugar and spice and all things nice...

I've had it up to about here... I'm not overwhelmed (yet...) but am distinctly whelmed, so to speak!

For six weeks we had a friend of mine staying while she split up with her alcoholic abusive husband. Now she's in a little flat alone at an address he doesn't know, finally has changed her mobile phone number, blocked his emails, etc... so now he's phoning and emailing me attempting to manipulate me into persuading her to meet up (er, nope, think again chummy)... she meanwhile is phoning and emailing me about how wretched and guilty she feels for breaking away after years of being brainwashed into thinking she's worthless (long way to go but she's at least nwo on the path)...

And now a close friend of the family is turnign to me for help with tackling her alcoholism.... I've never liked or got on with this person, only know her through my parents... but she's now depending on me for support because she's too ashamed to see or phone my parents directly so has latched onto me as an intermediary...

ARGH!!!!

Half of me feels like going out and getting falling-down-drunk on principle and half of me recoils from the thought of even one drink and feels like signing the Pledge!

I know Scotland has a general drink problem, but I feel surrounded by it... two alcoholics phoning me up every day, and someone whose life has nearly been destroyed by someone else's drinking... it's everywhere...

AND I DON'T FEEL NICE!!!!!!

Can't they find someone else? Why can't I just tell the pal's partner to (paraphrase) go forth and multiply?!?! Why do I have to be nice to everyone?!?!?

Grrr!!!!!! Snarl!!!!!!!

I feel put-upon, I feel tired, I have only just gone back to work after a year off sick and everything still takes me much longer than normal although my arms do now work... I need my sleep, not sobbing friends phoning at 1am on a weekday because they know I'll answer and say the right things.

WANNA BE SELFISH!!!!!

Ah. That feels better...

That was a good little tantrum... I feel better for saying it. I can't say it out loud, because it feels immensely wrong to say I don't feel like helping someone in need...

laura

Subject: Re: Tired of being nice! Tue Jan 22, 2008 10:54 am

You have to tell her, Laura - you have to say that you can´t cure her alcoholism. Use whatever exuse you want, that you don´t want to go behind your parent´s backs, that you´re recovering from drug abuse, and will fall off the wagon if you´re reminded, that you don´t feel like you can do a good enought job helping her. Tell the truth, or make up a good story, but trying to help someone you don´t really want to hel is eventually going to drain you, and you´ll be the one in need of help. It´s hard enough to be there for the ones we care about! And really - the one we should be there for first of all is oneself, so please, go ahead - tantrum away!

Subject: Re: Tired of being nice! Tue Jan 22, 2008 12:19 pm

Yep. Time for tough love! You tell your recently moved friend that your happy to hear from her, but she can no longer keep playing the same tune. She should consider herself lucky to have gotten out of a terrible situation (many women don't) and had you for such a stalwart support. If needs be, she should be in contact with the police and a support service for abused women. Both are better equipped than you now to offer protection and advice.

As for her ex, call the police. Now. He's harrassing you and it needs stopping. Immediately.

As for the other alcoholic, I'm sorry but your not a halfway house or a therapist. Politely but firmly tell her you can't help her. Hang up the phone and don't take her calls.
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Subject: Re: Tired of being nice! Tue Jan 22, 2008 12:20 pm

Yes, you must tell her. Put yourself first, learn to say no. You are going to end up ill if you have to take this stress for much longer, it is something you could do without. Unplug your phone when you go to bed, just learn to tell this person straight, be blunt, tell her you cant be dealing with it and she will have to find someone else to talk to. Is she not in aa, they would help her and give you a break. I feel for you Laura, I know what it is like when everyone is putting on you and you feel so stressed, but at the same time you feel so guilty if you say they have to back off, you feel like they wont be able to cope without you, but really, how are you going to cope having to deal with this. Tell her to back off Laura, before you make yourself ill!

Subject: Re: Tired of being nice! Wed Jan 23, 2008 11:14 am

Oh my goodness, I know exactly how you feel Laura! I sometimes think I have 'unpaid therapist and general good brick' written on my forehead, as I also seem to attract every needy no hoper and person with problems from within a 20 mile radius - and always have even when I was a child! (it would always be me the social outcast in the class with the anger issue, tourettes, and the permanently snotty nose would want to sit next to - even if I'd never uttered a single word to them in my life!). It's amazing really, as I'm not always particularly 'nice', I don't think, and can be quite blunt, opinionated and forethright! But I guess that's what these people want - someone with the strength to do the dirty work for them. What I never do is judge anyone though, and I guess that's the problem...... that and being thoroughly strong, practical and sensible (mostly!), just like you I suspect, and therefore being the beacon of hope that people less sure of themselves and in need of support rely on.

BUT THIS IS NOT YOUR JOB!!!!

I recognise that sometimes it is good for the old ego to be able to help someone feel good about themselves, but only in a "you really DO look good in red and should be more confident in wearing it" or "yes, that last boyfriend of yours really was a pig and you can do so much better" kind of a way! Actually fixing people is a whole other ball game, and one that only professionally trained people should do.

I have come to the conclusion (the hard way) that it is actually incredibly selfish of these people who turn to us to solve ALL their life problems to expect us to do so. I have ended up on the sticky end of so called 'friends' problems, and they seemed quite happy to let me be, without a second thought for my well being or personal safety. Sadly, they are also nowhere to be seen when their lives are hunky dorey again - or if I am in need of a little support. I was obviously being used. As everyone else here has said, will they still be there for YOU when you need a nervous breakdown after sharing their stresses and trauma's??????

I will now only tolerate SO much, and then I am very strict at saying 'enough', and you must try to be too, for your own mental health. TRUST ME. Both these issues need professional legal and medical help, neither of which you can best provide. As a good friend, point them in the right direction for both these services, and let them get help themselves. If one of them isn't even a good friend, be blunt and say you really don't know why she is coming to you for help, and you really cannot provide it. And hang up. Don't forget, they probably have family and other friends whose responsibility it is to help them out more than it is yours. I know this seems harsh, but you may not actually be helping them stand on their own two feet by letting them rely on you too much (and is there a good reason their own families/other friends aren't playing their part??). And the ex harassing you IS serious, and could potentially backfire on you and needs nipping in the bud asap (I have found this to my cost) - or you could be in your friends position, that she is now out of, thanks to you!

I fully agree with what everyone here has said. PLEASE act on this advice!

I also empathise with how frustrating it is to be put upon in this way, when you would never DREAM of doing it yourself, but I just ask myself what type of person would I rather be, me or them???????

Subject: Re: Tired of being nice! Sun Jan 27, 2008 10:45 am

Well, I've managed to get the "one I don't really know or like" to turn to other people, so that's one down!
And the partner of my leaving-her-partner friend is now only speaking to her via lawyers, so that's two down!
Which only leaves the friend-who's-leaving herself, who is now a bit more accepting of the facts now that it's gone to legal representation and turned genuinely nasty from her soon-to-be-ex-partner's side...

I kind of hit wipe-out last night. I use two other messageboards, and they are a big bit of my social interaction at weekends, as many of my friends live elsewhere and my new man works weekends late. In one, someone I've never met who lives in another country developed a 'thing' against me last February (basically we hold differing views on a topic)... it got so bad I left that MB in April/May, came back a few weeks ago and she's straight back in there, getitng at me, so I've withdrawn from posting as I just am not up to any more battles just now. Then last ngiht I found out via email that I've accidentally been upsetting a few people on the other MB, too... just with clumsy wording and being a Know-It-All... apparently I come across as being the 'teacher' and instructing my 'class.'.. :-(

So, I'm kind of glad to have Brocante left as a place to come and be sociable!!! Just remind me not to actually answer anyone's questions for a while, hmmm?!

Now... has everyone handed in their homework? Sit up straight, girls! Pay attention in the back row, there!

laura

It's difficult, being bad at understanding people.

Subject: Re: Tired of being nice! Sun Jan 27, 2008 12:00 pm

Miss! Miss! The dog ate my homework! :)

Lighten up on yourself woman!
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Pumpkins on the Vine

Subject: Re: Tired of being nice! Mon Jan 28, 2008 10:39 am

I actually think that you give some great advice, Laura, no need to restrain yourself here - you are among friends!

Subject: Re: Tired of being nice! Mon Jan 28, 2008 10:47 am

Gosh yes, I agree wholeheartedly with Malin. I very much like and appreciate your info and advice, and I think we are all like minded and intelligent enough to see our own ironies?!!! And we ask each other for said opinions and advice after all! I do really feel like we are all friends here and know exactly where each other is coming from. Fret no more!

Subject: Re: Tired of being nice! Mon Jan 28, 2008 4:16 pm

Eh, we love ya around here! You have some great input and you give some great advice! I can kinda see what they mean by you coming across as a know it all but that's you being confident in what you are saying. There's a difference. A know it all pretends to have all the answers yet knows nothing. Someone who is confident knows what he/she is talking about and is directly giving their insight on a topic. That's what you do. You offer your thoughts on what you KNOW not what you are guessing about. That is much more appreciated and welcomed. I'd much rather hear about your experiences or what you've learned that you are passing along than someone's vague guess or interpretation. Forget them and hang out with us! We're the cool people anyway ^_~

Subject: Re: Tired of being nice! Mon Jan 28, 2008 4:30 pm

Here here! Add me to the list that absolutely love your advice and your posts and you in general. I can identify with the issues with people getting upset on message boards. I've experienced that too - just something right out of the blue and I had no idea I was upsetting anyone and things I did wouldn't seem upsetting to me at all and weren't intended as such.

I'm glad you've bravely talked to your friends and that things are working out for you there. I hope you know how much we all appreciate you here.

Michelle is right - we're the cool people. LOL

Subject: Re: Tired of being nice! Tue Jan 29, 2008 7:19 am

I used to work with school children (6-10 years) before, and they really thought that I knew everything. One of them even told her mum: Mummy, guess what - Malin knows EVERYTHING! I guess that completed my mission there...

Subject: Re: Tired of being nice! Tue Jan 29, 2008 10:52 am

Aah! How cute - can't kids just make you feel great?!!

I think the main difference between a know-it-all and a font of knowledge, other than what Michelle brilliantly describes, is also the intent with which the knowledge is imparted. If it is just to inflate your own ego and you simply love the sound of your own genius, with no real benefit to anyone around you, you're a know-it-all. If, however, you genuinely wish to impart what you know to be fact in order to help someone/make someone's life better/re-assure/or generally impart said knowledge for the real benefit of another, you are a wonderfully wise, clever and helpful woman!!! And we all need a few of those around don't we?!

Subject: Re: Tired of being nice! Wed Jan 30, 2008 2:26 am

Aw, thanks everyone! That's cheered me right up, especially as the reaosn I'm online at 2am is because I left my boyfriend's house at 1am to drive home to find my parents' car, parked in the well-lit secure-seeming car-park of his flats, had been broken into. Nothing stolen, but the car is an old Astra and they ahve very high stealability ratings because the parts fit so many other models and makes! A ford Fiesta a few places away had the same jemmied-open door. It makes me feel a bit funny knowing I've been targeted by professionals... presumably they were interrupted before they could hotwire either vehicle, although ours won't start because they must have done something to the electrics or engine or something. The police came out very quickly and my lovely man lent me money for a taxi and walked me to find one and put me into it and then phoned to let me know he was safely indoors again, how sweet of him!

So home and safe, but feeling a bit wobbly and very glad I didn't disturb them and get coshed...

As for everything else... well the alcoholic I don't really get on with is now 'off my hands' being looked after by others (and making great progress with real courage and determination, hurrah!); the friend's ex-partner alcoholic has not been in touch with me and will shortly not be in touch with my pal either as a lawyer's letter has now gone threatening an interdict (restraining order in Scots law), and my friend is moving on Saturday to a new flat all of her own where she can have a cat again... a new flat, a new cat and a new life... she's now starting to see how awful he is, now that he's accused her of having affairs with two different friends, insisting one affair dates back to last June, claiming that his mother has burnt all the gifts my friend gave her (she has not, she has been most sympathetic and sad but kind to her), etc. Each new lie designed to hurt is actually strengthening her resolve not to let him have any part in her life...

and my man is now being far less distant, perhaps he just wanted to have a think about things and make his mind up at some level. Whatever, he's now thoughtful, sweet and affectionate and seems really to want to see me each time we meet, hurrah!

So... now that I've read these lovely messages telling me you are also feeling friendly towards me, I shall log off, cuddle my cat and go to sleep at last!

laura

Subject: Re: Tired of being nice! Wed Jan 30, 2008 2:21 pm

Oh dear, I am sorry to hear about your parent's car Laura. Just glad no-one was hurt. Hopefully the car can be fixed as good as new on the insurance? Just a pain though having to be inconvenienced by these toe rags.

Glad also to hear the romantic situation is now on the up and up!! He sounds very kind and thoughtful - lucky you!

Talk about life's peaks and troughs eh?! Reinforces one of my life 'mantra's' - "that which does not kill you makes you stronger" and hopefully a bit wiser too!